slow down….

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Heart and Hustle

It is hard to be vulnerable and harder still to stay vulnerable.

I had a lot of responsibility at a young age, and I thought that qualified me to become a mom. I thought I would be a good mom, but for a long time, I don’t know that I was.


I was and am one of the younger moms with my children. A blessing and a curse really. I have energy and I am coachable. The older mothers seem to have altered family dynamics (read financially + equitably) over time to really be home pouring into their kids. And meanwhile, I am hustling. Hustling to fit into a demographic that we might not even belong in. Hustling to satisfy material desires inside the family. Meanwhile, always being tugged by the reality that this gift of parenting time is so fleeting. This struggle is real, and it catches me in the middle. By Grace alone I can fight to value all I have, on both sides of the aisle. By Grace alone, my heart will lead my hustle, because...

When you hurry, you forget who you are & whose you are.sarah young, Jesus Calling

Where is the hustle even leading me to? Hustling to Hustle? We have built, saved, cleared paths of riches, for what?
My mom told me once, in an attempt to maybe share a learning without opening up a can of worms…your career will always be there. Your children are only young for so little time.
I don’t remember my mom being around after school or in the summer. In reality, she was, but I just didn't experience it around her work schedule. I am acutely aware and sensitive to what my children experience of me because of that background.
Its not enough, squeezing the remaining fatigue filled minutes at the end of the day is it?


The day my son was born was one of the calmest days of my life. My third child, my first boy. I manifested a peaceful entrance for him and created it with my husband. We were happy and ready to expand our family.
He completed my soul as a mother. I knew he was meant for me and truly he has healed me and made me a better mother.

I don’t know why this is.

I think I was so young with my first child that I grew with her and constantly felt unskilled and unsuccessful. There was a lot of self doubt that was compounded by the fact that I was a single mother determined to thrive. She and I spent moments in play and laughter that I cherish as being different than those of my later two. We lived on our own, and our schedule was ours to create, together. I didn’t really know enough to be directing hers, but she was and is blessed to be self regulated and aware of her body’s needs. We had frequent walks and trips to the park. She became a precursor and the biggest motivator to turning my life around and really giving my life to Christ who has redeemed me.

My second daughter was a different story. I was in the confines of a loving relationship and had built the makings of a strong family foundation. She just didn’t get the memo on the way we were expecting things to go. And I am so thankful for that now. In the moment, it made the transition challenging. I was prepared to be an experienced mother that would provide all kinds of mature, well thought out food and sleep schedule regimens and lots of loving and tummy time and everything else I was fed by other moms, books, doctors and my own experience. I would join mom groups and read to her and enjoy every minute of maternity leave. But she had many sensitivities as a young baby and even still today. Her preferences are strong and unwavering and her demands are heard and acknowledged by all, or else. She made me question my ability to parent more than my first! How is this possible? I didn’t know what she needed from me, and worse yet, I didn’t know if I would be able to provide it for her if I am really honest. I thank God for Ellie. She teaches me more in the opportunities to fully jump into practicing my faith than I get almost anywhere else outside of my marriage. Ellie is a blessing to me. All of my kids are, but she really invites growth out of me.

And so neither of my first two experiences were easy, and yet that doesn’t mean they all aren’t of equal importance or filled with equal amounts of love. It makes my third child, my only son, feel like such a gift in my arms though to just be still with me. To respond to me with ease and comfort as an indication that he felt safe, and that I was what he needed. God didn’t give me one without the others for a reason, and they are all part of the story and share in the full abundance of love available. But my son shared that part of the experience with me, and it has for a long time made things feel easier until just recently, when I went back to work. I don’t know that he is seeing me provide him what he needs any more.

And I need to find grace around that fast, don’t I.

Being a mother is the most important role I will ever have, but it isn't the only role I have. God help me to be fully present wherever I am, because I can't do it on my own.

Abide in me and help me to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ" to find your grace here in this. 2 Corinthians 10:5